#1: I need to feel confident to act confident — The annoying thing about confidence is how simple and effortless it looks in people who have it: That confident coworker who has no problem speaking up and expressing their ideas in meetings Your confident spouse who slides right into dinner parties and immediately starts chatting with new people And while…

#1: You try to fix each other’s feelings — There are many things that make people unhappy. But being in a romantic relationship with a lot of conflict has to be one of the worst. Unfortunately, because of subtle influences like cultural pressures, many people in high-conflict relationships are in denial about it. They’re admirably motivated to “make the…

#2: Check your expectations — Most people’s minds are loud, chaotic, and full of self-judgments and negativity. Assaulted with a near-constant stream of worries and anxieties, many of us have learned to be afraid of our own thoughts. So we fill our time and attention with distractions and busyness to avoid getting caught with even…

#2: Worrying about the future — Most people assume that they need to understand the origins of their low self-esteem to improve it. And while it’s true that unpacking the original cause of your low self-esteem can be helpful to an extent, the more important insight is this: Whatever caused your low self-esteem in the past…

#2: Living with purpose — For most of us, the idea of resilience conjures up stories of profound heroism in the face of grave injustice — Viktor Frankl surviving the concentration camps or Rosa Parks sitting wherever she damn well pleased. But resilience isn’t always epic. Sometimes it’s quite ordinary: Taking criticism well from our…

#3: Avoiding uncomfortable silence — Most people think about listening as a skill — something you can build with practice. This is partly true, but there’s a deeper truth about great listeners most of us miss: Listening well often comes from doing less, not more. As a psychologist, I work with many people who struggle…

3. Hanging on to expectations — As a psychologist, I often get asked: Doesn’t it get depressing listening to people’s problems all day long? Honestly, not really. And here’s why: You can learn a lot about how to be happy by carefully observing what makes people unhappy. After a little back-of-the-envelope math, I estimate that over…

#1: Watch out for fake guilt — We all have difficult relationships in our lives… The overbearing mother-in-law The demeaning or insensitive manager The abusive spouse or partner The manipulative friend or coworker And as much as we might fantasize about cutting these people out of our lives entirely, that’s often neither possible nor optimal. Even in…

#2: Use self-compassion, not self-criticism — If you struggle with low self-worth and haven’t found anything that seems to help long-term, some of these ideas might be useful: 1. Live life as if you had no willpower One of the biggest sources of low-self worth is habitually breaking promises to ourselves: You tell yourself you’re going to work out today after work. …